Monday, September 3, 2012

changes


I don't even know how to start writing this post but, I've always tried to keep this little piece of internet real estate honest. And omission eventually gets old and is pretty easy to see through.
Although I've worked to keep my current personal situation on the down low, I must admit I have been touched by a few perceptive readers that have reached out to ask, "Is something going on with you and James?". The lack of mentions, his absence at most of my races this year, it all adds up a bit.

Truth is, yes. Something is up. We didn't make it. We tried long and hard and fought to make it work for the last five months. James poured his soul into fixing us and I did my best but it wasn't good enough. On Saturday, I moved out to my own tiny place by the beach.

So...What happened? In the interest of protecting James and a relationship that both of us will always hold as an incredibly special time in our lives, I'm going to keep it short. At the end of the day, I believe we are two very fundamentally different people who happen to share the same outer interests, likes/dislikes, and hobbies. At a certain point, we felt as though we were bringing out the worst in each other, when a healthy marriage should (usually) do the opposite. I know I drove him crazy with my ridiculous schedule, lack of attention to detail and domesticity, my fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants attitude and seemingly haphazard way of doing just about everything. On the other side, I had trouble fitting myself into what I thought he wanted me to be. And maybe he didn't even want that, but the more I felt pressure to be that perfect (for him) person, the more I withdrew to my opposite self.

Did triathlon tear us apart? The short answer is heck no, it did the opposite. But the long answer is that "its complicated". Yes, we thrived on training and racing together (I dare you to find a better husband/wife bike training duo that hasn't fought on the bike in over a year despite riding at least 100 miles together weekly). And James was my #1 supporter of all things triathlon. I still don't know how I am possibly going to take care of my bikes or make it to the airport on time. Although in so many ways triathlon brought us together, I know that my focus on it has put a strain on our relationship. When my priority after work was finishing my workout instead of paying attention to my husband, I know I failed there quite frequently. I also know that although this was a problem in our relationship, I know deep in my heart that it was just one of many problems. It was the kind of problem that didn't cause the breakdown and was never at the root of things, but sure, it exacerbated it.

So where we at? Well, we're both trying to pick up the pieces and move on. We are both losing a best friend. We are both still protective of each other, respect each other, and hope to make it easy on our friends and family. We both want the best for each other. James is a freaking amazing person and husband it just turns out the he is more suited to be freaking amazing for someone else. I wish his happiness just as much as I wish my own and although it will sting, I can't wait to see where he's at in 5 years because I have no doubt it will be with the life I always imagined I wanted but just didn't fit into.

Thank you all for reading and for being a part of what he & I both consider to be (in his words) "an epic 5 years". I started this blog the week before I met James before I had ever done a triathlon. It turned out to be bumpy with a crash landing, but wow, what a ride.

So, to James...
Or in your case, STAY awesome. 


(I disabled the comments on this one post. I just wanted to breathe this out and keep it real, but am not looking for too much to take in. Its already been a week with a lot to digest. I respect everyone's opinion on the matter and feel horribly that I failed at "marriage". This may be the first thing I have failed in my life. If you have something you'd like to say, you can feel free to email me at bethgerdes1atgmaildotcom .)